The Future of "Tennis Life Lessons"
I haven't written here in a while, mainly because I haven't been playing as much tennis. I do want to get outside again, and the weather is finally getting better. But as I mentioned before, I won't be competing as much this year, because I have so many other interests and things I like to do.
This year will be different for my tennis: I'm less focused on rankings and where I stand, and more focused on playing when I enjoy it. So, I'm shifting my focus to becoming a really good recreational player, as opposed to a pro one. Today, I want to write a bit more about why I've made this decision, and what this means for the future of the Tennis Life Lessons project.
What I learned when I experienced the ITF tournaments was that it takes a great deal of time and effort to reach even the starter levels of pro tennis. If you have a lot of different interests and things you enjoy doing, as I do, you sometimes have to delegate where you'll spend your time. In my case, I feel it doesn't make sense to focus entirely on a professional tennis career, especially when there are many other avenues I can also succeed in. This year, I'm focusing more on expressing myself and making professional pathways as an artist, and maybe next year I'll focus more on my interest in health science and research.
Everyone has to come to their own decisions with something like this, though. When you feel that you have the resources and time to devote to being a professional tennis player, that's an absolutely amazing thing. And we've seen that sometimes taking that chance can really pay off, like with the Williams sisters and other top pros.
But in my experience, I've felt that hyper-focusing on tennis doesn't allow me to explore all the other areas I'm good at. I have real talents as a writer, artist, researcher, and much more. I don't say that to brag or anything, but just as a statement of fact. I've always been multi-dimensional in what I like to do in life, and when you're skilled in many different areas, you have to try to narrow down what you choose to focus time and energy on. Otherwise, it can get really overwhelming!
Although I'd like to be a Renaissance Woman in some ways, I know that I can't humanly do everything I enjoy all at once. So, I try to focus on a key area or the thing I gravitate to the most. Right now, it's art and creative expression, so that's where I'm heading.
But Tennis Life Lessons will still continue, because I'll still be playing tennis recreationally. The weather is finally breaking here, and that means it will be warm enough to go outside and have some fun. What's more, I've always felt that the lessons I've learned from tennis continue to shape and influence my life, even when I'm not actively playing. When I'm experiencing life challenges or things don't go my way (something I've gone through recently!), my experiences as an athlete remind me that when you fall down, you just have to pick yourself back up again. You build resilience when you face challenges and then overcome them.
Overcoming the Recent Challenge
The most recent challenge I faced was having a mental episode, which was really hard to go through. It can be frustrating to lose control over your actions and go through a manic state. One thing I've noticed is that the mania is usually followed by a period of depression afterwards, mainly because I'll feel bad about what I did wrong or how I might have accidentally hurt someone during it. Plus, it's just an exhausting experience to go through when you come down from it. Despite being a teetotaler, I have to say that experiencing mania and then depression is a lot like going through the high and lows of a drug. You feel that intense euphoria and invincibility when you're manic, but when you come down, you face reality again and it can be really hard.
In my case, I feel these episodes are also triggered by a high-control and stressful environment that I live in, which I'll write about when I feel ready to share. But to make a long story short, I'm dealing with an environment which isn't a normal one for an adult to face, and since it involves my primary caretakers, that makes it complicated and hard to bear.
During manic episodes (although I'm not officially diagnosed with bipolar disorder or manic depression, this is the term that feels most helpful in describing what happens), I've often done a lot of things I kind of regret afterward, like reaching out to random people, walking through traffic, or thinking I'm in a relationship with someone well-known when that's not the case in reality. It's hard to explain afterwards that what you experienced was something beyond your control. People tend to judge you by your actions, so when they see you in that state where you don't have control and you look crazy, it can be hard to change their perception of you.
But what I've learned is that since I have no control over my actions during an episode, I have to give myself a little more compassion, even if I don't feel very good about what happened. I try to take accountability and fix what I can, but after that I have to stop being so hard on myself.
The reason I write about it publicly now is because by its nature, this condition is very difficult to hide. If it's blatant and obvious, it will come out, especially if I'm dealing with stress or other factors that affect my equilibrium. So, I'd rather just be honest about it now and admit that yes, I'm "Crazy Hankerson" as I used to jokingly call myself during mania. I don't want to stigmatize people with mental illness by using that name, but for myself, it allowed me to have a sense of humor about the situation and sort of lean into the persona as a way to accept what I'm experiencing.
But there are some positives in dealing with this condition, such as the intense creativity, freedom of expression, and courage I experience during an episode. In the past, I recognize that some of my most productive and mind-blowing periods of creativity coincided with going through some kind of manic state. So, while I do not make light of how difficult this condition and experience can be, I also try to appreciate the good that comes from it.
Tennis Life Lessons Future
But back to the future of Tennis Life Lessons, I absolutely plan to write here once in a while when I feel I have something to say. My past playing years also provided me with a lot of life lessons, and so even if I'm not actively playing now, I still have years of experiences to explore when I want to share what I've learned from them.
However, this blog will not be as active because I will be focusing on other stuff this year, and so you can expect the writings to be more sporadic. I will keep it up so what I've learned can still benefit people, though!
Thanks for reading all this, and I'll be back when I'm ready! :)